5 Negative Conflict Beliefs You Might Have.

What you believe about conflict defines your relationship with it.

Beliefs are like filters. 

Negative beliefs live in your brain rent-free and govern how you respond to life including social interactions, professional situations, or intimate relationships.

For example: If you have the negative belief that "people are judging me" you probably assume that others are constantly evaluating and critiquing your behaviour or appearance. This can lead to you feeling self-conscious and reluctant to engage fully in social situations.

Another example: If you have the negative belief that "I always mess things up" you probably tend to assume that you’re inherently flawed in some way. You may feel that you are prone to making mistakes, saying the wrong things, or behaving awkwardly, which can create anxiety or a lack of confidence when you have to speak up in any way.

When it comes to conflict conversations, it is no different. Depending on what you believe, you will find conflict unbearable, irritating, or view it as just a part of life.  

Let’s go through the 5 most common negative conflict beliefs one by one, so you can unhook yourself from these common yet sneaky negative beliefs about conflict. 

The 5 most common negative conflict beliefs

Do you believe any of these?

1️⃣ If you IGNORE conflicts, they will go away all by themselves.

Nope! That just ain’t true. Unresolved conflicts fester and rot your relationships, infecting them with distrust and unease. Sadly, avoiding conflict is a proven way of also avoiding connection. Imagine that your  conflict-conversations are opportunities for reconnection-conversations.

2️⃣ There is no GOOD TIME to have ‘the chat’.

Timing matters. Surprising people with your conflict conversations, or avoiding it all together is a sure way to create more conflict. The right time to have ‘the chat’ is when you’ve prepared their brain to receive potentially challenging feedback, AND you are both/all feeling ready to listen. Signal the need then decide a time together.

3️⃣ Best to keep it general and not risk offending anyone.

This is super confusing and disingenuous. It can lead to misreading between the lines and creating new problems that weren’t even there before - such as defensive behaviour. Be specific about the behaviour using cause and effect language. (If this > then that).

4️⃣ I have to win the argument, otherwise I’m a loser!

Not all games have winners and losers. In fact conflict is at its most DANGEROUS when it is an us-versus-them or a me-versus-you scenario. We each experience reality in a completely unique way, meaning there are always multiple true and valid versions of a single shared moment or event.

5️⃣ Feedback is scary and best avoided at all costs.

A healthy feedback culture is a growth-culture. Avoiding feedback means small things turn into big problems later. Also, It saves you a fortune in therapy and coaching fees too! When respectful & mutual feedback is the norm, it is easy to catch problems early.

You will likely have heard all 5 of these beliefs said by others in passing, or dished out as seemingly benign advice when conflict strikes. But the question is - do you believe them? 

Once you stop believing any of these myths you will begin to liberate your relationship with conflict! 

Sometimes all it takes is a different outlook! 

👋🏼 Thea May is a communication coach and guide. She helps both the quiet-types and the social butterflies find their flow in speaking and writing.

With over a decade’s worth of spoken-communication coaching under her belt, Thea now brings her own unique approach to the table.

Her clients and community love Thea because of her state-changing exercises and compelling reframes of communication norms.

👉 Find out more here: Working With Voice

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