How your nervous system either supports (or hinders) your communication confidence [Part 1]

 A regulated nervous system is THE key to your communication success!

The shaky voice, blank thoughts, or sweaty palms are all due to your nervous system being in RED LIGHT mode!! It’s saying ‘STOP! Risk of sudden death if you continue on this path!” (It can be quite the internal drama.) 

If you experience these things regularly, then working with nervous system regulation practices is not a luxury, but a necessity for healthy, empowered, connected, embodied, and confident communication. 

I’ve been learning a lot about the nervous system lately. And now, I cannot imagine life without this life changing knowledge and these related practices. They would have saved me from some awkward, tense, and even disastrous interactions over the years. That’s why I’m sharing what I’ve learned with you.

ALWAYS put on your own oxygen mask first!

Remember when you're on a plane, perhaps only half listening, and the flight attendant says: “Always put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others,”? That’s because you cannot help anyone if you can’t breathe yourself. 

This is equally true in communication, except instead of oxygen it is connection.

If you cannot connect fully with yourself, you cannot connect fully with anyone. 

This first blog covers the neuroscience and philosophy behind the nervous system and its effect on your communication. I lay out exactly how it positively and negatively impacts your communication. 

In the second blog of this series I offer you practical ways of actually working with your nervous system using my 5 Point Approach To Regulating Your Nervous System For Confident Communication. (👉 Be sure to get part 2 by signing up to my newsletter here.)

Now it’s time to get into the science. Your nervous system, namely its sympathetic and parasympathetic responses, speaks the language of survival. I’ll explain those terms in a minute, but what I am referring to is often commonly called the fight-or-flight response. 

What is the fight-or-flight response, and how does it work?

The fight-or-flight response is our body's natural reaction to perceived threats or challenges. When we encounter a stressor, such as a potential conflict, something we feel anxious talking about, or a situation that makes us feel nervous, our brain triggers the release of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, preparing us for a fight-or-flight response. This leads to increased heart rate, rapid breathing, tense muscles, and heightened alertness. 

These physiological changes mean we respond to the stressor in a life-or-death way! Your body is receiving the message to either FIGHT, RUN, STOP, PLAY NICE, GIVE UP, or FIND AN ALLY— RIGHT NOW! 

👀 I’ve shared more detail on the 6 different ways your nervous system responds when in a fight-or-flight response, and how this affects your communication in this post.

Now for a TINY bit of neuroscience…

Image created with Biorender, source unknown.

• Stressor enters your awareness (eg: communication stress or anxiety).

• Brain triggers the release of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. 

• Body prepares for a fight-or-flight response. 

• Heart rate increases, breathing grows rapid and shallow, muscles tense, alertness heightens.

The brain prioritises survival over rational thinking, leading to heightened vigilance, hypervigilance, or avoidance. 

Why does this matter for your communication?

In short bursts these stress hormones are fine. In fact you need them for making and communicating quick decisions around project deadlines or sudden changes in plans.

They are not appropriate for everyday, low-stakes interactions with others like meeting old friends in the pub, attending a weekly meeting, or asking a stranger for directions. And they can lead to conflicting or disconnected communication in slightly stressful situations like writing an overdue email, meeting new people, or a casual conversation with your boss.

How do I know when my nervous system is dysregulated?

As soon as you experience a stress response your nervous system becomes dysregulated. *It is important to note that when you are experiencing continuous stress your nervous system is likely to be continuously dysregulated. A dysregulated nervous system can manifest in various ways, and symptoms may vary from person-to-person. They can include anxiety, feeling stressed, trouble sleeping, irritability, social withdrawal, and dissociation. 

How does this negatively affect my communication?

Here are some of the main ways it can directly affect your communication. 

• 😫 Reduced Emotional Regulation: You experience more outbursts, anger, or emotional shutdown during conversations, which hinders clear expression and understanding.
• 😫 Impaired Active Listening: You feel distracted by internal thoughts or external activity, making it challenging to stay fully present and actively listen to others' stories, perspectives, and feelings.
• 😫 Increased Defensiveness: You avoid certain people, or push back in conversations, limiting openness and receptiveness, which often creates conflict.
• 😫 Ineffective Problem-Solving: You find it harder to process information and make rational decisions, hindering your ability to be constructive.
• 😫 Reduced Empathy and Understanding: You are less able to resonate with others feelings and experiences, which leads to misunderstandings and miscommunications. 
• 😫 Social Withdrawal: You isolate yourself (often unconsciously), making it harder for you to experience healthy and meaningful connections with others.
• 😫 Triggered Emotional Responses: You become emotionally flooded, causing you to shut down or react impulsively, and disrupting the natural flow of communication.
• 😫 Difficulty Expressing boundaries: You struggle to ask for what you need, leading to unmet expectations and further communication breakdowns.
• 😫 Ambiguous Non-Verbal Communication: You feel anxious or tense, which shows up in your body language and on your face, and erodes trust in your communication.
• 😫 Misinterpretation of Intentions: You view other’s intentions through a negative lens on the world, causing unnecessary conflicts and misunderstandings.

Sounds bad, right!? I bet it also sounds familiar, as you recall stressful times in your life, myself included.

So what is nervous system regulation?

It's actually quite simple.

The nervous system is your maestro 🎶

Like a conductor who guides musicians, the nervous system orchestrates bodily functions. It coordinates various systems, ensuring they play in harmony, adjusting the tempo (arousal levels) to create the right emotional and physiological symphony in response to different situations. Quite beautiful, really. 

It’s also your inner traffic light 🔴🟡🟢

Just like a traffic signal controls the flow of vehicles, the nervous system regulates the body's responses. Simply put, it switches between the sympathetic (accelerator) and parasympathetic (brake) modes. In this way, it directs our reactions to stimuli and maintains a balance between fight-or-flight and rest-and-digest responses. 

🔴 When you encounter a perceived stressor or threat, your nervous system goes into RED-LIGHT-MODE, and you experience one of the 6 stress responses, known as ‘fight-or-flight’. If it is disproportionate to the actual situation, then your communication will suffer in one or more of the ways mentioned above.

🟡 The AMBER-LIGHT-MODE serves as a heightened awareness signal. It nudges you to check in with yourself, and ask, Am I ok? Is this ok? Do I need to do anything, say anything, change anything right now? 

🟢 When you feel relaxed and like all is well, your nervous system is in GREEN-LIGHT-MODE, known as ‘rest-and-digest’. You are open to connection and can communicate freely. Think best-friend-vibes. Ideally, this is where you want to be most of the time.

This light system is your vibe-o-metre! It gives you biofeedback on how open you are to connection or risk at that moment. It signals how you feel and what you have capacity for in any given situation, whether you are in fight-or-flight (red-light-mode) OR rest-and-digest (green-light-mode). 

Your fluctuating nervous system influences how you experience general socialising, speaking up in meetings, attending a friend’s wedding, going on a date, meeting with friends, high stakes negotiations, sharing an idea - basically your everyday life.

What are the benefits of a regulated nervous system?

Here’s the good news! A regulated nervous system offers numerous benefits for overall well-being and quality of life because it:

• 🟢 Reduces Stress
• 🟢 Supports Emotional Resilience
• 🟢 Increases Focus and Clarity
• 🟢 Enhances Relationships
• 🟢 Amplifies Self-Awareness
• 🟢 Sustains Creativity
• 🟢 Boosts Overall Well-Being

By making nervous system regulation a priority - through mindfulness practices, meditation, breathwork, movement practices, self-care, and professional support when needed - you can reap these benefits and cultivate a healthier and more fulfilling life.

How do these benefits positively affect my communication?

A regulated nervous system positively affects communication dynamics in so many ways, enhancing the overall quality of your interactions and relationships.

• 😊 Improved Emotional Regulation: You feel emotionally stable and able to access and cultivate emotional intelligence.
• 😊 Enhanced Active Listening: You listen attentively to others, which fosters better understanding and connection.
• 😊 Increased Empathy: You resonate easily with others' perspectives and feelings, leading to more compassionate and aware communication.
• 😊 Healthy Conflict Dynamics: You approach your disagreements with openness and respect, allowing for nuance in your conversations.
• 😊 Clear and Respectful Expression: You communicate your needs and boundaries with grace, thereby cultivating understanding and being assertive without aggression. 
• 😊 De-escalation of Tension: You stay calm during tense conversations, and de-escalate conflicts, enabling a more co-creative atmosphere.
• 😊 Reduced Misinterpretation: You view the world through a lens of connection, which helps you to find the places where you resonate and intersect.
• 😊 Openness to Feedback: You approach challenging feedback and self-reflection with curiosity, which fuels your personal growth and healthy communication with others.
• 😊 Increased Trust and Connection: You come across as approachable and trustworthy, and build strong connections easily with others so that your relationships become stronger.
• 😊 Supportive Communication Environment: You model regulated communication, which creates safe and supportive spaces for open dialogue and vulnerability.

Overall, a regulated nervous system facilitates empathetic, respectful, connected, clear, and empowered communication. It nurtures healthier relationships and creates a positive communication world around you. 

What does all this have to do with your communication confidence?

When it comes to communication confidence no amount of pushing through it will help you feel more confident. Until you work with your nervous system to regulate yourself towards a sense of safety and connection you are replaying old tapes of anxiety, nervousness, rejection, or feelings of failure. You are projecting that into your current situations. You have no capacity to respond differently. 

Now that you know this you can start exploring all the different ways you can regulate your nervous system and thereby reduce the impact of your fight-or-flight response on your everyday interactions.

The goal, here, is not to eliminate your stress responses. It is to make these responses appropriate and proportionate to the situation. It is also to liberate you from getting stuck in an overreaction triggered by past experiences. 

For example, a healthy amount of adrenaline and cortisol before getting up on stage gives you the energy you need to get-up-and-get-on! It’s the umph you need to go speak to that person you have always wanted to connect with, but been too shy. It’s the surge of energy to speak up in a meeting and share your idea this time. It’s the emboldening frisson of sending that email asking for a raise. 

Keep an eye out for Part 2 of this mini series, where I share the 5 Point Approach To Regulating Your Nervous System For Confident Communication. Make sure you get it by signing up to my mailing list here.

If you enjoyed reading this blog, then pass it on so that others may be empowered by understanding the link between the nervous system and communication. 
 

👋🏼 Thea May is a communication coach and guide. She helps both the quiet-types and the social butterflies find their flow in speaking and writing.

With over a decade’s worth of spoken-communication coaching under her belt, Thea now brings her own unique approach to the table.

Her clients and community love Thea because of her state-changing exercises and compelling reframes of communication norms.

👉 Find out more here: Working With Voice

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